I'm sorry...

I'm sorry that I'm not looking forward to seeing you.  I didn't miss you...there, at least.  I thought of you, probably, and I laughed at a memory or wished you were here at one point or maybe the whole time, but never did I wish I was with you, there.  We might have talked a lot when I was gone or not at all- I might have contacted you, tagged you or responded to your message, but really, I am happy here, or anywhere but there.  I do love you, or like you, or value our friendship, I hope you realize that.  But when I smile and hug you and tell you it is good to see you, it might be, on the surface, but I'll be fighting my turmoil within, wishing I wasn't there, wishing when I saw you it was on MY turf, wherever that may be.  I wish I could show you around the home I made for myself here in my one month in Cusco.  Sharing a vegan meal at Green Point or a torta from my local, far from touristy panedaria with you sounds lovely.  We can spend the weekend in Bolivia or here in the café, giggling over a delicious cappuccino.  Or I wish I could show you my life in San Diego, where I feel more comfortable and "at home" than anywhere else.  We can go to that spot, my spot, on my favorite mountain, I'd love to share that with you- that place where few people venture and we can soak up the sun and silence while we ponder life and try to make sense of the world...and then we can join everyone for the sunset at Sunset cliffs.  I'd love to introduce you to the children at the orphanage in Tijuana, I'm sure they would love to meet you too, as would my nieces and San Diego family.  OR, I wish I could share with you part of my next adventure, whenever I dust off my wings and believe in myself enough to follow my heart, wherever it might lead.

I'm sorry that I can't be happy to see you and to be home, because I'm not.  I once told someone that before deciding on doing a year of service post-college graduation, I was applying to jobs in Alaska.  He looked at me and asked in all seriousness, "what are you running away from?"  At the time I guess I believed him, that I was running from something, and maybe at that time I was.  As much as I hate to admit it, I now realize that my almost 4 years back in NJ with my family was necessary.  I worked through a lot of issues.  I like to believe I have a better relationship with my dad.  I'm more confident at work, after a total "crazy-Ali" mental breakdown.  I've had the opportunity to travel, a lot, and learned a lot about myself in that time.  Here in Cusco I met a young 23 year old who was just embarking on his 5 year journey around the world.  I asked him his thoughts on the book/movie Into the Wild.  He responded, simply, "he was running, I am searching."  And for the first time I realized that somewhere along the line I've made the transition from "running away" to "searching."  I have nothing to run away from anymore.  BUT, searching for what? I'm not entirely sure I can put it into words.  Searching for who I am? Searching for me?  Searching for the opportunity to make a change or a difference?  Searching for adventure?  Searching for that place, that person, that life that makes me sit back and says, "yes, this is the point of it all."??  I don't know.  I guess I'm simply searching, but then again, who isn't?  

I'm sorry that whatever it is that I'm searching for isn't there with you, at least for now.  I'm sorry that I'm dreading coming back to my life there.  I know that I have everything I could ever need there:  I have you, my wonderful, loving, supportive and awkward family.  I have you, my incredible and hilarious friends who I know will have my back forever, whose families have become extensions of my own.  I have a steady job with amazing coworkers- yes, you, who have become my friends and teachers.  I'm sorry that right now that is not enough.   I'm sorry that I'm not looking forward to seeing you.  I'm sorry that I didn't miss you, there at least.  I'm sorry that I can't be happy to see you and to be home, because I'm not.  I hope you forgive me and realize how grateful I am that you helped make me who I am, by being my family, my friend or my "enemy."  By teaching me, challenging me or loving me.  Thank you for giving me both the roots and wings I need to be me, whoever that is. 

I am coming home in two days.  I return to work in 5.  I will fall into the same pattern and routine of the life I left just 5 weeks ago, and while I always spoke of my desire to leave, to run,  now it is different.  Now, it is a search.  A few months back I had given myself the deadline of June to leave.  I accept now that having a deadline is ridiculous- the change I hunger for will come when I'm ready, which might be sooner than later or later than sooner.  Until then I will smile when I see you.  I will try to make the most of my time there, and when I am ready to make the opportunity to leave and to change, I will.  Again, I'm sorry, and thank you.